We’re allowed to feel

My heart and mind hurt so much that I wanted to throw up. I had so many emotions that I wanted to release, and all of a sudden they wouldn’t come out.

I spent a great deal of time writing how I felt, and mid-way through writing, I stopped. I didn’t want to share because I felt selfish. I felt that my pain was nothing compared to what others are feeling. I felt spoiled, and bitchy for even feeling the way I did, the way I still do.

I have a question. Something i’d like to know is at which point do we know if our feelings are valid? How deeply hurt do we have to be in order for our pain to be considered pain? How many times do you go to bed crying about something considered stupid, and unimportant. 

Let me just say that I think it’s fucking annoying when others put a level of importance on YOUR feelings.

I cried today. I cried because I feel unappreciated. I feel like my family doesn’t realize the little things I do, and it hurt me, so I cried.

Some may think I’m spoiled and superficial for crying about that. And to that I quote Bart Simpson and say “eat my shorts”.

Of course, other people have it worse than I do. I know that. But that doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to feel the way I feel.

I’m not going to sit here and COMPARE my pain to someone else’s pain. I don’t think that’s fair, and to be frank, I don’t think that proves anything. I don’t need to validate my feelings in order to make them real. I’m not looking for someone to give me their shoulder to cry on, or to feel bad for me and tell me everything is going to be okay, because I already know it’s going to be okay–if I decide to make it okay.

I already know that things can get better and that tomorrow could be better than today, and even if it isn’t, I know someday it will be. I know that I have a bed to sleep on at night, and I have food to eat and water to drink, I KNOW. I am grateful, I appreciate everything that is given to me, all the privileges that have been given to me.

But I also know that I am allowed to feel the way I do.

But this is a message to those who don’t know this. Those who are shut down, those whose feelings aren’t taken seriously, whose feelings are compared to others.

See, I’ve learnt through the experiences I’ve had that I am in control of my happiness. Sometimes I don’t realize it and I sulk for a few days, weeks or even months. Sometimes I go through phases of feeling low. But I think it’s important for me to let myself go through that. I think it’s important for me to allow myself to be low so that I could experience the courage and strength it takes for me to pick myself up. It teaches me for the next time, and there will be other times I’m sure. I believe that I need to allow myself to feel pain, and to sit in ocean’s of tears and sadness so that I could cherish the happiness when I’m in it. There are some people however, who let themselves sink too deep, and can’t find a way out. Those who can’t muster up the strength to lift themselves out of their misery. And in many occasions, they never find a way out.

This comes down to you. If you’ve ever experienced a low, or have gone through a painful experience. Be aware of your strength. And if your strength hasn’t grown to it’s full potential, and you feel like you could use a boost, realize the options surrounding you. The helping hands that are surrounding us. Most importantly, don’t allow anyone to label your pain, to make it feel stupid or unimportant. Because it’s not. It’s YOUR pain, and you’re allowed to feel it.

Take a pen and paper, and write everything that makes you happy. And if by chance, you can’t think of anything that makes you feel happy, start with something that makes you content, and build it, or make it your own. A song that you like? Start writing your own songs that you’ll love. A food you like eating? Start cooking your own and learning new recipes that you’ll love. Do your animals make you happy? Do your friends make you happy? Do youtubers make you happy and make you laugh? Do sports make you happy? Does makeup make you happy? Do books make you happy? Does art make you happy? There are so many things that could make you happy, you just have to believe that it’s out there. And if you don’t even know what makes you happy, just think that somewhere out there is waiting for you to make them happy. Even if you don’t know them, and they don’t know you, you could one day be someone’s happy that they couldn’t find.





Monday morning judgement?

Not too long ago, my best friend and I had a very interesting conversation.

I live in the city. To get to my destination in a reasonable amount of time, I choose to take public transportation. While I am minding my own business on the metro, I can’t help but wonder about other peoples’ business. Does that make any sense?

So here I am standing (or sitting, depending if I am lucky enough to get a seat), wondering what the person next to me has planned for the day. What about the person across from me?

Let’s take for example the girl standing next to me on a Monday morning while i’m heading to school.

Here is what I might be thinking about her:

The girl next to me is beautiful, she must have the best life ever.
She looks like she has a great smile, it must brighten everyone’s day.
She also has great taste in fashion, people must like her.

What about the guy standing across from me? He must also think she’s pretty, cause I do.

Here’s what I think, he’s thinking:

Damn that girl is HOT,  if only John were here to see.
She has great hips, all the guys must go crazy.
She looks like she could be funny, in order for her to be GF worthy, she has to have a sense of humour. (idk)
Would it be weird to approach her, just like that?

What just happened?

I just completely categorized and judged 2 people I don’t even know!

First of all, for all I know, the girl next to me has had her contour on since the night before cause she went out with her friends to dinner and she didn’t take her makeup off and it just miraculously looked great the next day.

For all I know, she’s actually having the worst morning, because she couldn’t figure out what to wear and she feels gross.

For all I know, she has been blessed with the BEST chronic b*****-face I have EVER seen.

The guy across from me?

For all I know, he’s still half asleep because it’s MONDAY MORNING, and he’s just completely zoned out and hasn’t even noticed her.

He might even be thinking her contour is on fleek too, cause he’s a guy who knows what contour is!

Or MAAAAAYBE, just maybe, they went to high school together, and they’re BOTH in that awkward position, not knowing whether or not to say hi to each other and start conversation, maybe he’s too tired, cause again, remember guys, it’s M-O-N-D-A-Y      M-O-R-N-I-N-G.

All this to say,

I am curious as to what the strangers I lay my pupils on on a daily basis are up to.

Do they have the same thoughts as me?
Are they in a good mood, or a bad one?
Did they have breakfast this morning? (I never do)
Are those MY armpits that smell? (just checking, I KNOW YOU ALL DO IT TOO)

No but really, I am not trying to categorize or judge ANYONE! It’s just sometimes, you can’t help but create a character for the people you see based off of their appearance, it’s just natural.

I love all people, I just may get a little jealous of the girl with great contour, like it’s MONDAY..???!!!!





Empty Headed

I decided to call my mom. I thought maybe she’d like to stay on the phone with me while I took my first ever exercise walk. I decided to take a long walk instead of going to the gym tonight. I guess so I can be alone with my thoughts. Well, the phone call didn’t last too long. I knew it was time to hang up when there was that awkward pause before I heard the bubble sound from when she clicks something on her tablet. It’s okay, maybe it was better off this way. It was a sign for me to enjoy the time I had alone. Now I was REALLY alone. Not that I don’t like that, it’s just been a while.

I walked for a long time, I know this cause I reached the mall. That’s a long walk so I decided it was time to turn back. And that’s when it hit me (so cliche).

WTF was going through my mind the entire way there?

Well…if you must ask; I don’t have an answer for you. The entire way there, I realized nothing had gone through my mind. Nothing except for maybe “OMG that house is so nice!” or “Omg THAT house is even nicer!” I was walking through TMR (Town of Mount Royal), and it’s literally THE nicest area you’ll ever lay your pupils on. So, yeah. Nothing.

As I made the decision to start walking back, only then did I really start thinking. The messed up part about this is that I was telling myself to start thinking about something because I was alarmed that I had just walked 25 minutes and nothing important went through my mind. “Alright, just think. Worry more. Go back to being mad at the thing you were last mad at–think SOMETHING”  Annnnnnd nothing. I couldn’t believe that I was trying to focus on thinking so hard so I just let out this stupid embarassed-at-myself laugh. I looked around and realized there was no one on the streets. In fact, the entire walk so far, I hadn’t seen anyone except for 1 old couple holding hands (aw). Then I thought to myself; “this is the part in the movie where the zombie apocalypse begins or when the girl disappears.” FINALLY I thought something! Yeah, for like….2 seconds because before I knew it I was back to square one. The only thing I was thinking about was the fact that I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular.

At this point, I was about half way back. I had 20 more minutes of great thinking skills to use. Fortunately, those last 20 minutes helped bring me to this moment. “This would be interesting to write about on my new blog. I could call it ‘The girl who thought nothing’ or ‘Walking home and not thinking about anything because apparently my brain enjoys taking long breaks without letting me know’ no…that’s too long.” I spent the rest of my time thinking about what I would write. What sounds “unique” so that I can become this famous blogger/writer from just one piece which will probably be seen by no one.

OH by the way, I don’t live in this beautiful area with nice houses, I live on the other side which is separated by this 2 foot tall fence with a sign saying something like “we lock this fence so the children remain safe.” BULLSHIT, they lock the 2 foot fence because they’re afraid of my side of town because we’re ghetto or something.

Fyi TMR, a 2 foot fence won’t save the children! Idiots.

So here I am, writing for the first time and not remembering ANYTHING I told myself not to forget. Greeeaaaaaaaaat.

Ultimately, my entire exercise walk consisted of me worrying about not thinking about anything. Which is why I felt empty headed, hence the title of this post. I guess it didn’t help that I had my earphones in without any music playing the entire time as well. I like to pretend I have music on my phone when I actually don’t. It added to my “I’m cool cause I exercise/walk with music” rebel look.